Neiyah

My mind is more powerful than I can handle. Sometimes, a feeling I have such a hard time naming feels beyond my mind, making me feel more than human. A name comes into my mind I’ve never heard. A name so perfect. That name is mine. In some way, I just know it. That scares me, fills me with dread. I want to run from this feeling and erase it. These premonition-like feelings and ideas I get make me feel like I’m going crazy, and I want to forget about it. But what if I sat with it? The idea that my soul knows more about me than my mind does.

Memories full of fear live inside me somewhere. Some I can accept as my own. I don’t like feeling alone. Like I need a hug or someone to lean into. The feeling in my chest when my heart speeds up and becomes heavier. The realization I have that I am here now. I look around at all of my things, all of the people I hold dear.

There was once a time, almost feeling like just yesterday, when all of this would’ve felt so foreign if handed to me. Even seeing myself in the mirror. I seem to look the same to the naked eye. Same face, similar hair color, the same body slightly altered. Some different clothes, of course, but that’s to be expected after a couple of years. Same spots on my cheeks and same deep brown eyes, but the look inside of them forever changing.

A part of me still lives there, sitting on the swing under the moon, wrapped in layers of clothes. All alone, walking through the snow, only warmed by the alcohol I’ve hoarded for nights like this.

She doesn’t seem to be afraid, but I am for her. I wish I could save her. She would be more terrified of catching a glimpse of her life fast-forwarded a couple years than sitting in that moment. That is where she is comfortable. That is all that she knows to be possible.